The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
