neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
