Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
