Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
