My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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