it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
