Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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