Duck Duck Cougar?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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