Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
