shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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