I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
