Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
