I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
