shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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