that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
