my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
