She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
