My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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