Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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