Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
