the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I can't turn off my feet"
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
