I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
