There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
