Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
