when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
