He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
no more duck duck goose at the bar
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Randomize
