I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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