I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Just took my morning after pill in the library
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
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