I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
