the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
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