i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
