Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
