It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
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