Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I am one with the molecules
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Randomize
