Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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