I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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