My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
