Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
