Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
