I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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