roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
