One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
