I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
