I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
