I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
