Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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