i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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