I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
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