Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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