I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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