So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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