can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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