i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
